*  When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

*  The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

* A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

*..Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

*. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

*. Every calendar's days are numbered.

*  A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

*  He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.

*  Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

*  When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

*  When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

*  Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

*  Santa's' helpers are subordinate clauses.

*  Acupuncture is a jab well done.

*  Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I'm kinda depressed right now because we had to put Grandpa in a rest
home. Well, not actually: We didn't have the money. So we drove down
the turnpike and put him in a rest area.

<><><><><><>

Back in the 60's, Lederle (pronounced: led-rr-lee) Laboratories, a
leading drug company, would have the same prefix for many of their
trademarked drugs.  They were all prefixed with Leder:
Ledercillian,Ledermycin, Lederject, Ledercort, Lederfolin,
Ledertrexate and so on.
   
They even came up with a birth control drug called it Lederalone.

<><><><><><>

Quote of the Day: There is nothing so annoying as arguing with
somebody who knows what he is talking about!

<><><><><><>

Sign on husband's desk: "Things To Do Today"

1) Get organized.

2) Talk to wife.

3) Get reorganized.

<><><><><><>

Frieda had just finished her fish dinner. She was, however, not at
all happy with it, so she called over the waiter.

"I've tasted fresher fish," said Frieda.

"Not in here," replied the waiter.

<><><><><><>

Joe was hanging in a bar and his friends asked him if he had scored
lately. Joe told his friends man I picked up this chick the other
night and had the best sex ever, the only problem was she was a total
Butterface!

His friends asked him, "What the heck is a Butterface?"

Joe answered, "Everything about her was hot, BUT HER FACE

<><><><><><>

The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the
congregation, "Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do
something about people parking behind the church at night. I was out
there this morning and there are enough beer cans out there to build
a car."

One of the old sisters stood up and said, "Amen brother and enough
rubbers to put tires on it."

<><><><><><>

My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any
home repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried
to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I
found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.

Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it
the lawnmower?"

<><><><><><>

Q.    Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?

A.    Some prick cut HER off!

<><><><><><>

Q.    How can a woman scare a gynecologist?

A:.    By becoming a ventriloquist.

<><><><><><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in
it. ~W.C. Fields

<><><><><><>

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw
that statement. ~Mark Twain

<><><><><><>

T.O.P. is helping his nephews, little Pauly and little Maury, with
their homework, and asks, "What is the Gross National Product?"

Maury:    Spinach ?"

Pauly:        "Broccoli ?"

<><><><><><>

In Other Words....

*  When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

*  The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

* A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

*..Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

*. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

*. Every calendar's days are numbered.

*  A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

*  He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.

*  Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

*  When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

*  When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27.  Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
*  Santa's' helpers  are subordinate clauses.

*  Acupuncture is a jab well done.

*  Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

<><><><><><>

Signs You Have A Hangover

1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you tell your room to "stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as
chugging a glass of fresh paint.

4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

5. You set aside the entire morning to spend some quality time with
your toilet.

6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more
feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step
right up and give it whirl!"

  8. All day long, your motto is "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

<><><><><><>

A blonde teenage girl says to her doctor, "You prescribed me birth
control pills."

"And how is it going?"

"I think it's ok, but I'd like to have them bigger."

The doctor was surprised, "You mean stronger?"

"No. Bigger, please."

"But why BIGGER?"

"Because they keep falling out."

<><><><><><>

I'm Joe Friday, private eye. I work on Tuesday, Tuesday's my secretary.

Yesterday I was working in my New York office when there was a knock
at the door, scared me half out of my secretary.

Then a tall blonde walked by, I knew she was tall 'cause we were on
the 7th floor.

The phone rang. It was a client. I knew something was wrong because
she told me there was.

I raced down the stairs, called a taxi, the taxi stopped with a jerk,
the jerk got out and I got in. (continued)

We took the corner at 80 miles an hour. A cop stopped us and told us
to put it back.

Then we were driving on the sidewalk because there was a sign that
said "keep deaths off the roads".

We were getting further out of the city. I knew this because we
weren't hitting so many pedestrians.

When I got to my client's house she greeted me with a burning kiss.
Then she took her cigarette out and kissed me again.

There was a man on the floor. He had bullet wounds to the head and
stab wounds to the heart. He was dead so we went for a drive in the
country.

Then a brick came through the window, hit her on the left breast and
broke four of my fingers.

We got a flat tire. She pumped and I pumped, she pumped and I pumped.
Then we got out and fixed the tire.

When we got back to my clients house she invited me in for a root
beer. The root was nice but the beer was flat.

I was giving her a goodnight kiss but she closed her legs and broke my glasses.

<><><><><><>

This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble
yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and
assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a
train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Thinking that she must
have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and
reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard
collapses again. Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told
that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a
technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the
cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely
baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to
reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find
out what causes the cupboard to collapse.

At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and
says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it. Says the
technician: "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing
here waiting for the next train."

<><><><><><>

At the school where I worked, the two first first-grade teachers were
named Ms. Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student
called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from
school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom.  "We have company and I'm
just keeping her home."

<><><><><><>

The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his
hands.  "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the quarter you gave me."

"The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and
got me in free."

<><><><><><>

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

<><><><><><>

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and
help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let
him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the
table.  He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box,
then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do,
we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of hot chocolate and then," he sighed, "let's put all these
frosted flakes back in the box."

<><><><><><>

Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times
because they had nobody to talk about.

<><><><><><>

You do know the difference between a Fairy Tale and a Sea Story, don't you?

A Fairy Tale starts out "Once upon a time," while a Sea Story begins
with, "Now, this is a 'no-shitter.'"

Brotha Jim SWEARS on his mother's life that this is a "no-shitter."
That it's true.

Jim plays golf down in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The course was built
right next to a cemetery. One of the greens is right next to the
fence that separates the golf course from the cemetery.

One afternoon, Jim was playing with a well-known loudmouth and they
came up to that green.

Loudmouth had about a 50 foot putt to sink. He took out his putter and
whacked the ball towards the hole.

It so just happens on the other side of the fence there was a funeral
in process. Jim says, "Honest to God, that putt *almost* made it in
about the time the pastor across the fence got done with the service.
Loudmouth shouts -- loud enough for the funeral to hear -- 'Get in
that damn hole, motherfucker!'"

<><><><><><>

One man's wage rise is another man's price increase.  -  Harold Wilson

<><><><><><>

My parents have been married for almost 40 years.  Whenever anyone
asks my Dad how they've stayed married for so long, he claims they
are compatible. They both like to fight!  He says that they have come
to an agreement on one thing... He doesn't try to run her life, and
he doesn't try to run his.

<><><><><><>

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful
o him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later
question each one on the other's behavior.  When his wife returned,
he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually
asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be
his mistress. "She slept with nearly every manon the ship," his wife
reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to
ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

  She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

<><><><><><>

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the year
2000. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually
said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man
sitting  in front of the store in a rocking chair......

I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"

He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."

I said, "What do you hunt?"

He said, "Somethin' to fuck."

<><><><><><>

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: Dddooo  youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos; actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk that vibbbrrraaaattttesss?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

The poor old lady replies, ":Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

I rear ended a car a few days ago....... I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car,  and he was a darned DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said  "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well  which one are you then?"