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So what do you do when everybody sends you jokes in your email? I Put them here.

CAUTION! These jokes are not only funny, But some are Sick and Perverted! (the Best Kind)

Polish Sausage

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage".

The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian ? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would Ya?"

The clerk says, "Well no."

"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about

Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't."

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

Al Gore and Bill & Hillary Clinton go to Heaven.
(NO, NO, this is just the FIRST part of the joke---keep reading.)

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."

Then God addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

Tour Bus

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

Subject: Sunday Sermon

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

Here's this week's Lame Joke Of The Week.

A. Man driving down road
B. Woman driving up same road
C. They pass each other
D. Woman yells out window, "PIG"
E. Man yells out window, "WITCH" (or something like that)
G. Man rounds next curve
H. Crashes into huge hog in middle of road
I. Moral of the Story:
J. Men should learn to listen to women

Subject: Walmart Computer

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a watersoftener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him withanti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Gether into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Walmart.

Little Johnny and the Worms

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put in a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put in a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put in a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put in a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results: First worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in the cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - ALIVE.

So the Science teacher asked the class - What can we learn from this experiment??

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms"

The Knob

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head that can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, she wanted and got "The Knob."

For years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, she remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, she returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I have turned the knob many times and always loved the results. But now I have developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those are not bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there is no point in asking about the goatee."

Quick on his Feet

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No s**t??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?


Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.

One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."

Abe says, "OK."

The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-feet deep sea in orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.

The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?"

Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but... the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"


3 buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,"I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar,staring into their drinks.

One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.

The doctors said it was touch and go.

A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"

The father yelled back, "Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail,... and you told me to go fly a kite!"

Only in a Hospital

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have herbaby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, liftedthe lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths,"I instructed."Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting tothe rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internalfart,"
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand. "He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large letter on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with hiscardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications."Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Since incident, the instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive,"
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . . .
A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB, was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."


This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary...
For my fourtieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.................

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.

Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other junk too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late it took me th at long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader.

If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD tha t this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the devil) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy

A Fairy Tale

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" Cinderella said.

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan her old faithful cat jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother." The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,"I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and a long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother said, "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, sat transfixed in her golden rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath.........

"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"


We licked the beaters and didn't have anyone telling us we were going to become deathly ill from eating batter with raw eggs in it!

At Easter time, we had our dyed Easter eggs in a nest on the counter and they sat out at room temperature for the week after Easter. We would peel one whenever we felt like it. I Can't Believe We Made It!

If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's. Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have... As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable.

We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut, broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight... we were always outside playing games, we shared grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, or video games at all; 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, Internet chat rooms... what we had were friends. We went outside and found them.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell and just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold, cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade... horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them.



For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children:

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still >can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade story...

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said,

"I think he said...'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Old Age

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. so I said, "Implants?"

4. I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I have my own little world. But it's OK. they know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's .

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come the Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Next IRAQUI Family Members to be captured

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Ollay...............the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute

Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.

Tips for Telemarketers

Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers Three Little Words That Work !!

(1) three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more
time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone,
you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has
efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real"
sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is
to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone,
6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that
dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.

Since doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically.

(3) Another Good Idea:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these
"ads" with your payment.
Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from
credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the
return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF"
and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them
away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is
according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your
other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return
envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.
Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day,
then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything
you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them

Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own

junk back in the mail.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all

they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is

cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase
postage costs again. You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work---