Bizarre Signs

[Actual signs spotted around the world]

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.

Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.

In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

In a cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.

At a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."

At a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak.

Bizarre Church Bulletin Messages

The following are actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge - now up yours."

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P.M. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell"? Come early and listen to the choir practice.

Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Tuesday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.

Bizarre T-shirt Slogans

1. "Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."

11. (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

12. My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

13. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

14. (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

15. Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount

16. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

17. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

18. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

19. Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

20. IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

21. Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

22. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

Bizarre Test Answers

[Courtesy of netscape.com]

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her, but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come onto in pears.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "caesarian section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels, and you get intercontinental.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Bizarre History Test Answers

The following is a sample list of "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

On April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

Bizarre Science Test Answers

Following are a sampling of test answers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school and college students around the world.

1. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

2. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

3. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.

4. To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

5. For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

6. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

7. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Bizarre Newspaper Headlines

STRIP CLUBS SHOCK - Magistrates May Act On Indecent Shows (Daily Mirror).

AUDIENCE TRIED TO SPOIL PLAY - But St. Chad's Players Succeeded (Sunderland Echo).

A FARMER'S WIFE IS BEST SHOT (Glasgow Evening Citizen).

NUDIST NABBED - Unclothed Man Who Admits Brandishing Pistol Is Charged With Carrying Concealed Weapon (Providence Journal).

MAGNATE USED TO REMOVE NAIL IN STOMACH (Los Angeles Times).

PUBLIC HEALTH PROBLEM - Special Committee To Sit On Bed Bug (Liverpool Echo).

PIPELINE RAPTURED (Ghanaian Times).

UNDERTAKER'S FAILURE - Let Down By Customers (Yorkshire paper).

CHANNEL SWIM ATTEMPT - Boston Girl's Arrival in Liverpool (Liverpool Echo).

POLICE FOUND SAFE UNDER BLANKET (Gloucestershire Echo).

Bizarre Newspaper Misprints

'Arthur Kitchener was seriously burned Saturday afternoon when he came in contact with a high voltage wife.' (Surrey paper).

'For sale. Lovely rosewood piano. Owner going abroad with beautiful twisted legs.' (North Wales Advertiser).

'PARKYNS - to the memory of Mr. Parkyns, passed away September 10. Peace at last. From all the neighbours of Princes Avenue.' (Leicester Mercury).

'Fire broke out on the prairie near the C.P.R. viaduct on Monday evening but the blaze was extinguished before damage could be done by the local fire brigade.' (Canadian paper).

'If the motion were passed, no strike action would be taken by NALGO without a ballet of all its members.' (Bristol Evening Post).

'Complete home for sale; two double, one single bed, dining- room threepiece suite, wireless, television, carpets, lion, etc.' (Portsmouth News).

'Wrap poison bottles in sandpaper and fasten with scotch tape or a rubber band. If there are children in the house, lock them in a small metal box.' (Philadelphia Record).

'At the fair they will be exhibiting a full range of shoes for girls with low-cut fancy uppers.' (Leicester Mercury).

'A heavy pall of lust covered the upper two-thirds of Texas last night and was expected to drift south-east over the state by morning.' (Yankton Press).

Bizarre Bumper Stickers

I love animals, they taste really great.

My kid beat up your honor student.

Gravity is a myth. The earth just sucks.

Procrastinators unite!...Tomorrow.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Real men don't ask for directions.

Don't steal! The government hates competition.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't a lot more people happy?

Bizarre Classified Ads

[These are actual classified ads collected by Netscape.com]

Wanted: Forty women for stripping machine operators in factory.

Lost: Large old English sheepdog, neutered, like one of the family. Reward.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Exercise Equipment: Mattress and box Spring, $175.

Illiterate? Write for help!

Butcher gloves for sale. One five-fingered glove and one two- finger. $18 for pair.

Bill's Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Get rid of aunts: 'Kill-Em' does the job in 24 hours.

For Sale: One used tombstone. Perfect for anyone named Harold Wade Miller.

Bizarre Warning Labels

"For indoor or outdoor use only." - on a string of Christmas lights.

"For external use only!" --on a curling iron.

"Do not use while sleeping." - on a hair dryer.

"Do not use orally." - on a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." - on a child sized Superman costume.

"Do not turn upside down." - on the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

"Please keep out of children." - on a butcher knife.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." - on a portable stroller.

"Do not iron clothes on body." - on packaging for a Rowenta iron.

Bizarre Medical Records

This is an actual collection from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals...

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Bizarre Resumes

Cover letter: "I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."

Objective: "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseperable."

Cover letter: "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

Experience: "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

Education: "Graduated in the top 66 percent of my class."

Abilities: "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

Abilities: "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

Work experience: "Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

Work history: "Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."