Bizarre (and Stupid) Criminals

Washington D.C. - A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Ionia, Michigan - When two service station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Radnor, Pennsylvania - Police interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Toronto, Canada - A gas station attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for police, even though the man had worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise. The thief, who later admitted that his mind was clouded by intoxicants, had stuck his face through one of the leg-holes so he could see.

Modesto, CA - Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Virginia Beach - A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants."

Los Angeles, California - Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Bizarre Crimes of the 20th Century

In 1901, a thief robbed a post train in New Orleans and stole 12,568 Christmas cards.

In 1910, a man known as John Smith decided to rob a bank. He put on women's tights and entered the office. All clients and the security started laughing, but it did not stop Smith from approaching the cash desk and withdrawing $10,000 from his own account. Laughing police officers took the bizarre thief away.

In 1936, a prisoner sentenced to death penalty escaped during his own execution. He ran away together with the electric chair, to which he was fixed. The prisoner hoped to cross the Mexican border and sell the electric chair in Mexico. The police nabbed the fugitive near the prison gate.

In 1966, a group of gypsies stole an elephant in the city of Arkhangelsk, Russia. They failed to sell the animal and had to bring it back to the zoo.

In 1975, a married couple of thieves went to court when they could not agree on how to split what they had stolen before. The court put them both in jail.

In 1980, two perpetrators tried to rob a bank in New York. They disarmed the security, told them to take all money and other metal things out of their pockets and stole all that. No one even bothered to catch them.

In 1982, a criminal broke into a flat of a Russian elderly lady and stole a replica of Da Vinci's Mona Lisa. The lady cut that picture out from a very old magazine - it was the only thing that the criminal stole.

In 1986, a thief broke into a casino in Atlantic City. Yielding a gun, the man stole a bag of quarters. The thief ran about ten meters away from the cash desk, sat down at one of the gambling machines and started playing. Hardly had he lost a half of the money to the machine, when the police nabbed him.

In 1998, the largest theft of punched cards took place in the Moscow region in 1998. Three years later it became known that someone had stolen about 20 train cars of punched cards. It is still a mystery who stole the cards, what for and where such a large number of cards came from. Furthermore, no one even reported the disappearance of 20 cars.

In 1999, a group of Russian soldiers robbed a beer kiosk not far from their quarters. A company of soldiers stopped near the kiosk, a sergeant called three military men from the line and ordered them to rob it.

Bizarre Criminals

Police were on the lookout for a Chicago man who had been throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. However, it wasn't too hard to catch him after he threw a brick into a Plexiglas window. The brick bounced back, smacking him in the head and knocking him out cold until the police arrived.

In Portsmouth, RI, Gregory Rosa was charged with a string of vending machine robberies when first he fled from police when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and then tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. Too bad the chain wasstill attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. Nice....

A man was arrested for stealing a car. When he was taken to court for his arraignment the judge asked, how do you plead? Instead of saying guilty or not guilty the man said: "Before we go any further, judge, let me explain why I stole the car." Amazingly, the judge ruled in record time.

An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter, which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently confused his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar...

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. Frustrated, the man walked away.

Bizarre People

[2004's Darwin Awards - an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.]

A young man needed to get drunk cheap because he had no money. He decided on the next best thing after alcohol - he mixed gasoline with milk. His creative concoction made him ill and he promptly threw up into his home's fireplace. The resulting explosion and fire burned down his house and killed him and his sister.

Three men were flying in an aircraft at low altitude when they decided to have a little fun with the occupants of another plane in the air. While they mooned the passengers of the other plane, they lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants firmly placed around their ankles.

A man was killed when he attempted to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Police said Eric Barcia taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, and made his big jump right into the pavement. A police spokesman said the length of the cord was longer than the distance between the trestle and the ground. Cause of death was ruled as "major trauma."

Famous last words - "Let's play catch with a rattlesnake." While two men were throwing the reptile back and forth during a game of catch, one of the men died from rattlesnake bites. His friend was hospitalized with antivenin injections, but survived. It seems the rattler had used up most of its venom on his pal.

AND THE WINNER.....

After making a bet with fellow members of his foursome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in the ball washer at a local golf course. He managed to straddle the washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. One of his buddies decided to up the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.

To make matters even worse, the washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer and the rotating machinery inside.

Bizarre Police Reports

In Detroit, Oregon, a hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.

A California officer charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI after driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."

The driver of an armored truck in Edmonton, Alberta appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. After six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

In Boynton, Florida, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder in their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy.

Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers in Stockholm, Sweden arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.

Bizarre (and Dumb!) People

[These are real acts of stupidity by people, courtesy of netscape.com]

A man in California was driving in the carpool lane when he was pulled over for driving alone. The man argued that he was not alone, he had three frozen cadavers in the back of his van, and they should be counted as passengers. The police officer did not agree, and wrote the man a ticket.

In Texas there is a company called "Guns for Hire" that stages gunfights for westerns and such things. One day they received a call from a woman who mistakenly thought that she could hire them to kill her husband. Needless to say, she received a hefty jail sentence.

A robber entered a convenience store in Oklahoma and deman- ded all the money in the cash register. However, when he decided there wasn't enough money, he tied up the clerk and began to man the cash register himself. He was still there three hours later when police came to arrest him.

A parachuting instructor was excited because his wife had just bought him a camera to wear while jumping so that he could tape the experience. On the way up to jump, he was so excited that he put new film in, checked the battery, and made sure the camera was secure on his helmet. He had an amazing jump - but he forgot to put on his parachute.

Police in a small Kentucky town spent hours attempting to talk a gunman out of a standoff situation. After seven hours the police became impatient and shot tear gas into the house. They realized that the gunman was standing beside them only when he began to yell toward the home, "Please just give yourself up and come out with your hands up."

A man entered a fast-food restaurant and explained that he was robbing them. He pulled out a gun and put a bag over his head as a mask. Only then did he realize he had forgotten to cut eyeholes in the makeshift mask. He fell to the ground, where employees made a citizens' arrest.

Bizarre Acts of Dumbness

A man who said he was "tired of walking" stole a steamroller and led police on a chase that never went over 5 mph. Finally, a police officer walked up and jumped onto the machine, forcing the man to stop.

A businesswoman was at work one day in San Francisco when a colleague saw her take out her credit card and slide it into the 3.5-inch floppy drive on the computer. Her colleague asked her what she was doing and she explained that she was shopping on the Internet.

A 23-year-old woman was arrested at the Salt Lake City airport hotel when she tried to pay for her visit with three $16 bills.

A man who installed windows in skyscrapers was showing his customers how strong each pane of glass was by getting a 10- foot running start and jumping against the windows from the inside. However, the windows must not have been as strong as he thought: one shattered and he plummeted 27 stories to his death.

Two Texas men tried to rob an ATM by attaching the ends of a chain to the front of the machine and the bumper of their truck. When they pulled, the bumper fell off the truck. The men then panicked and fled the scene, failing to notice that their license plate was still on the bumper.

Bizarre Questions Asked on a Cruise

Do these steps go up or down?

What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

Does the crew sleep on the ship?

Is this island completely surrounded by water?

Does the ship make its own electricity?

Is it salt water in the toilets?

What elevation are we at?

There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

Bizarre People Facts

The people killed most often during bank robberies are the robbers.

Orville Wright numbered the eggs that his chickens produced so he could eat them in the order they were laid.

Alexander Graham Bell never phoned his wife or mother because they were deaf.

English sailors came to be called Limeys after using lime juice to fight scurvy.

Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other simultaneously.

Thomas Jefferson wrote his own epitaph without mentioning that he was US President.

In 1973, Swedish confectionery salesman Roland Ohisson was buried in a coffin made entirely of chocolate.

Bizarre Convict Lawsuits

In April 1996, inmate Kirk Livingood attempted to sue his cell mate, Phillip Negrete, for routinely beating him.

Convicted rapist, robber and kidnapper Melvin Leroy Tyler, serving time in Missouri, filed a lawsuit for $129 million to have prisoners supplied with a salad bar and brunches on weekends and holidays.

A New York City inmate sued for $8.5 million in damages because he smuggled a gun into the prison and accidentally shot himself.

Richard Loritz filed a $2000 lawsuit against the South Bay Detention Center in San Diego, California, for refusing to allow him to use dental floss.

Roy Clendimen, a prisoner at the Mohawk Correctional Facility near Syracuse, New York, sued for $1 million because a guard wouldn't put his ice cream in the freezer and it melted.

A Utah prisoner filed a $1 million lawsuit against the state for suspending a program which provided hair transplants for prisoners. He claimed "emotional suffering."

Bizarre Miscellaneous Quotes

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." - Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

Mistakes From New English Language Students

"I was walking to school and suddenly a beautiful woman cut my eye."

"She said she doesn't like fringe kissing. She prefers kiss- ing men without tongues."

"He always erupts before I am finished talking."

"We were lovers, but now she is my biggest enema!"

"My father met us at the airport and gave me a big hog. Then he hogged my wife."

"We live on the sex floor. Our apartment is small but we have a nice view."

"He lifted the veal off her face and gave her a big kiss."

"Unfortunately, the school board was forced to cut fifteen percent off all teachers."

"Do you like this food? I made it from scratching!"

"I like you. My other tutor won't correct my grandma."

"It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high into the air."

"Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful about that. Once a car starts lusting, there's no way to stop it."

"You can't sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you can probably sleep with my sister. That's what most of my friends do when they visit.

[Courtesy of www.innocentenglish.com]

More Mistakes From New English Language Students

[These were such a hit that I thought I'd include a few more!]

"In some countries, you should only drink the water that a tourist already drank. Maybe it will taste bad, but it will not have poison."

"My father is a highly rank government official."

"This morning, I was walking outside, when suddenly a big shower fell on me!"

"We won two gold medals, one silver, and four blonds!"

"Please execute me for being late."

"I never liked mushrooms, but now they are starting to grow in me."

"Such behavior will result in immediately being exploded from the university."

"The groom was wearing a very nice croissant."

"My landlord gave me a one year contraction. It will be over soon."

"I can usually know when he is lying because he starts to breed a little faster."

"I don't know if he will propose, but I am expecting."

"Last night, when I ate dinner, I started joking. My friend hit my back very hard until I stopped. I was so lucky he was there!

How can you possibly not love the Irish?
Real "Personal ads" in the Dublin News

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Bizarre Short-Lived Marriages

Actress Eva Bartok's third marriage (her first had been at 15) was to film publicist William Wordsworth, a descendant of the poet. She left him immediately after the wedding ceremony.

Attila the Hun died on the night after his wedding in 453. It is rumored that his desire to consummate the marriage proved fatal.

In January 1994, a Barnsley couple split up 12 hours after the ceremony following a wedding-night fight over the bride's ex-boyfriend.

Silent movie star Dagmar Godowsky decided to split from her second husband when, immediately after the ceremony, he put his arm around her and asked possessively: "Who do you belong to now?" She got him to buy her dinner and then she left him.

One of the shortest royal marriages was that between Henry VIII and Anne of Cleves. Henry thought she was ugly and had the marriage declared void after six months. He also ordered Thomas Cromwell, who had recommended Anne as a suitable bride, to be beheaded.

U.S. actress Jean Arthur split from husband Julian Anker after one day.

An hour after getting married at Kensington in November 1975, Kathryn Sluckin stunned new husband Jerzy and his relatives by announcing at the reception: "It won't work."

Bizarre Humans

Prussian Field Marshal Prince Gebhard Leberecht von Blucher was convinced that he was pregnant with an elephant, fathered on him by a French soldier. He saw French conspiracies everywhere and used to totter around his room on tip-toe in the belief that the French had heated the floor to a temperature greater than human flesh can endure.

Legendary French actress Sarah Bernhardt's traveling companion on tour was a silk-lined coffin. She used to learn her lines while lying in it and allegedly entertained her string of lovers in it too.

Nineteenth century French poet Gerard de Nerval was in the habit of taking a lobster for a walk on the end of a length of ribbon through the Palais Royal gardens in Paris. He ended up hanging himself from a lamp-post.

Greek General Hajianestis, who led his country in the 1921 war with Turkey, often refused to get out of bed because he thought his legs were made of glass or sugar and were so brittle they would collapse. On other occasions, he simply pretended to be dead. It came as little surprise when he was relieved of his duties.

Eighteenth century Shropshire squire Jack Mytton was a heavy drinker who used to go hunting stark naked. To the horror of guests, he once rode a bear into his dining room. He also came up with an ingenious cure for hiccups - it was to set fire to his own night-shirt while still wearing it. He suffered serious burns but his hiccups were gone!

Bizarre Course Evaluation Comments

[Taken From the MIT Course Evaluation Guide]

"This class was a religious experience for me. I had to take it all on faith."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course. I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."

"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose-- spraying in all directions-- no way to stop it."

"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever."

Bizarre Management Quotes

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

Bizarre 911 Calls

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn....
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.

Bizarre Defense

In 1996, a Californian judge ruled against James Pflugradt's estate and in favor of the deceased's former landlord. The judge allowed the landlord to keep Pflugradt's $825 security deposit because he died without giving 30 days notice.

Troy Matthew Gentzler confessed to tossing rocks at cars from an overpass on Interstate 83 near York, Pennsylvania. But his lawyer claimed he was the victim of "Roid rage," erratic emotional swings caused by steroid use.

In October 1996, Charles S. Shapiro begged the Montgomery County, Maryland, court to allow him to change his plea to not guilty of hiring a hit man. He claimed his judgment had been impaired because he had ingested tranquilizers along with a bottle of Tums before confessing.

A Saint Louis, Missouri, man argued that the reason the jury found him guilty of stealing court documents wasn't that it had been prejudiced against him. The man claimed he was demonized because the judge allowed the jury to learn he was a lawyer.

Bizarre Predictions

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." - English scientist William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, 1899

"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman, and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"By 2000, the machines will be producing so much that everyone in the U.S. will, in effect, be independently wealthy. - Time Magazine, 1966

"An impractical sort of fad, and has no place in the serious job of postal transportation." - Second Assistant U.S. Postmaster General Paul Henderson on airmail, 1922

"It's a bad joke that won't last. Not with winter coming." - Fashion designer CoCo Chanel on miniskirts, 1966

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" - H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." - Decca Recording Co., rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"It doesn't matter what he does, he will never amount to anything." - Albert Einstein's teacher to his father, 1895

Bizarre Personal Ads

[Courtesy of netscape.com]

Looking for third-degree-burned beauties to satisfy my grow- ing fetish for wrinkled skin. Have tried elderly women and bathtub babes, but now only skin grafts get me going.

I've got issues; you've got the cure. I need lots of time on the couch; you need a sympathetic ear and board certification. Must not charge by the hour.

Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under 6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don't apply.

Single female who enjoys interpretive dance, wearing black clothing, and drinking herbal tea seeks standoffish, analy- tical wimp to create Jell-O sculptures and ballroom dance in my living room.

Thirty-five-year-old doctor who wants to finally meet a woman with true inner beauty. Outward appearance not a factor. Please send X-rays.

You have brown hair and green eyes, with a mole on your left cheek. I watch you from behind the bushes with my binoculars. Don't bother to respond; I already know where you live.

Former scientist in search of test subject for study on the line between pleasure and pain, ecstasy and excruciation. Those with high pain thresholds ineligible.

Born-again female Pentecostal seeks male acolyte for meaningful relationship and serpent handling. Speaking in tongues a plus! God-fearing applicants only.

Bizarre Couples

Fabien Pretou, standing at 6ft, 2 inches tall, towered over his 3ft, 1 inch bride Natalie Lucius at their 1990 wedding in Seysinnet-Pariset, France.

Harry Stevens, 103, married his 84-year-old cousin, Thelma Lucas, at a Wisconsin retirement home in 1984.

In 1871, Captain Martin van Buren Bates married Anna Hanen Swan in London. She was 7ft 5 1/2 inches tall and he stood at 7ft 2 1/2 inches.

When Ruth and Kevin Kimber married in 1990, she was 93 and he was 28.

In 1863, American dwarf Charles S. Stratton married Lavinia Warren. He was 2ft, 10in tall and she was 2ft 8 in. In 1884, the widowed Lavinia married Count Primo Magri who was two inches shorter than her first husband.

In 1995, following a courtship that lasted several months, 100-year-old Samuel Bukoro married 12-year-old Nyamihanda in Uganda.

In 1994, 26-year-old Anna Nicole Smith tied the knot with 89-year-old millionaire J. Howard Marshall. She was attracted by his "kindness."

Bizarre Mating Regulations

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but Is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

Bizarre Wedding Day Disasters

A French bride was arrested at her wedding reception in 1995 for stabbing the groom with the knife they had just used to cut the wedding cake.

Right before he was due to conduct a wedding in West Yorkshire, Father Rodney Chapman tripped over a bible, crashed into the aisle and broke his foot. With blood streaming down his face, he managed to marry the couple before going to the hospital.

When the future George IV got married to Princess Caroline of Brunswick in 1795, he was so drunk he had to be carried to the altar by his two ushers. During the ceremony, he rose at one point as if trying to escape. Later, when asked by the Archbishop if there was any impediment to the marriage, the groom started to cry. After briefly visiting the marital bed that night, he fell asleep in the fireplace.

Newlywed Kal Thorpe left All Saints' Church, Erdington, Birmingham, in August 1986 to discover that the wedding car had been stolen.

At a wedding at Kingston, Surrey, in 1973, the vicar fell ill and a replacement had to be found at short notice. Then the bride fainted when the groom put the ring on her finger and, despite attempts to revive her, remained unconscious for 20 minutes.

On the day of Princess Maria del Pozzo della Cisterno and Amadeo, the Duke of D'Aosta's wedding, Cisterno's mistress hanged herself, the palace gatekeeper cut his throat, the colonel leading the wedding procession collapsed from sun-stroke, the stationmaster was crushed to death under the wheels of the honeymoon train, the King's aide died when he fell from his horse, and the best man shot himself. Otherwise, everything went smoothly...

Bizarre Sporting Failures

Wallace Williams ran in the 1979 Pan-American Games marathon, but was so slow that by the time he reached the stadium it was locked and everyone had left.

To fight the heat in the 1950 Tour de France, Abd-El Kader Zaag drank a bottle of wine and promptly fell off his bike. After sleeping it off by the side of the road, he got back on and rode off - in the wrong direction.

Russian athlete Ivanon Vyacheslav was so excited to win a medal at the 1956 Melbourne Olympics that he threw the medal high into the air in jubilation. Unfortunately it landed in Lake Wendouree where, despite a frantic search, it remains to this day.

Preparing for a bout at the 1992 New York Golden Gloves Championships, boxer Daniel Caruso psyched himself up by pounding his gloves into his face. In doing so, he broke his nose and was declared unfit to box.

After beating 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile race, Percy the racing pigeon flopped down exhausted in his Sheffield loft and was promptly eaten by a cat.

Bizarre Doctors' Notes

[These are actual notes taken from patient charts.]

"The patient complains of a dry cough that hurts when he coughs and also when he takes deep breaths for 4 days."

"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home."

"Patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia for lunch."

"The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet."

"Patient was alert and unresponsive."

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

"The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints."

"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

"The other foot has the missing toe."

Bizarre Driving Test Answers

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Bizarre Sports Quotes

"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

"I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher.
He said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you ?'"
-Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner

"Raise the urinals."
-Darrel Chaney on how management could keep the Braves on their toes

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
-Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins, 1991

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
-New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers

"Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."
-Charles Shackleford of the NCSU basketball team

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
-Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too."
-Don King, boxing promoter.

Bizarre World Records

Longest Milk Squirt from the Eye
Mike Moraal of British Columbia, Canada, squirted milk from his eye a distance of 2.615m on French television on September 7, 2001.

Most Worms Eaten in 30 Seconds
Mark Hogg swallowed 94 worms in 30 seconds on the set of an American TV show in October 2000.

Most Feet and Armpits Sniffed
Madeline Albrecht was employed in Cincinnati, Ohio, at a lab testing products for Dr Scholl. She worked there for 15 years and had to smell approximately 5,600 feet and an indeterminate number of armpits.

Farthest Eyeball Popper
On June 13, 1998, Kim Goodman of Chicago popped her eyeballs to 11mm beyond her eye sockets.

Most Pierced Person
In January 1997, Elaine Davidson of Edinburgh had her first body piercing. As of May 2003, the total has risen to a record-breaking 1,500 piercings.

Longest Leg Hair
A hair grown just below the knee of the right leg of Brit Julian Rowe reached a length of 10.1cm when measured in West Yorkshire on July 2, 2002.

Farthest Nasal Ejection - Spaghetti
Kevin Cole of New Mexico holds the record for the longest spaghetti strand ejected from a nostril in a single blow. On December 16, 1998, he successfully achieved a distance of 19cm.

Most Scorpions Eaten
The most live scorpions eaten in a lifetime by a human is approxi Alvarenga of El Salvador. He catches them with his bare hands and eats between 20 and 30 of them every day.

Bizarre Work Excuses

"I forgot what day it was. I thought it was the weekend."

"My wife and son took both cars, and when I went outside, there was nothing in the driveway."

"I am stuck in the blood-pressure machine down at the Wal- Mart."

"I'm sorry I didn't make it! My car broke down; I ran out of gas; my mother died; I had to go to the doctor; there was an earthquake. It wasn't my fault!"

"My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son."

"My roommate locked me in the bathroom."

"I hit a mountain lion on the way to work."

"The jury I was on was sequestered, and we weren't allowed to leave or contact the outside world."

"The dog was asleep behind the car, so I couldn't back out of the driveway."

"Sorry. I thought I had already put in my 2 weeks' notice."

Bizarre Accident Reports

[Actual quotes from those involved]

"I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

"I was trying to get out of the ambulance's way when I hit the pedestrian on the sidewalk."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

Bizarre Excuses

[These are actual excuses that people have given to police officers to attempt getting out of a ticket.]

One night while on patrol, Sergeant Dave Hoffman of Naperville, IL. saw a car sail through a red light without even slowing down. When he pulled the car over and asked the girl why she hadn't stopped, she told him she had just had her brakes repaired and it was so expensive that she didn't want to wear them down. She was given the ticket.

John Ferguson of North College Hill P.D. in Ohio, stopped a car for speeding and asked the young lady why she wasn't wearing her seatbelt. She told him she was an exotic dancer and the seatbelt pinched her nipple rings and hurt. She offered to show Ferguson in case he didn't believe her. She was found guilty by a judge in court and he told her he didn't need to see the evidence.

Although this didn't happen to him, officer Roope Letho of Espoo, Finland, relayed this excuse an older officer had once received: "I can't help it, constable. Someone has hypnotized me to park illegally!"

When officer Gary Lenon of Mecosta County Sheriff Department pulled a car over for going 80 MPH in a 55 MPH zone, the driver explained that a bee had been flying around his head, so he sped up in hopes that the bee couldn't fly that fast and would be unable to fly out of the back seat area to get near him.

Bizarre Commentations
[Actual comments from sports commentators they wish they could take back.]

Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch & Jerk Event: "This is Gegoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this mor- ning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I mounted her mother."

At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Bizarre Deaths

Michael Anderson Goodwin was sitting on a metal toilet in his jail cell, attempting to fix his small TV set, when he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. Ironically, Goodwin had spent many years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before his sentenced was reduced to life in prison.

A man died after being killed by his own gas. His diet had consisted mostly of beans and cabbage and he was sleeping in a room with no ventilation. It appeared that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was lurking over his bed. An autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.

A man using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl-friend's windshield accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Ken Charles Barger accidentally shot himself to death when he was awakened by the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed. When he reached for the phone, he grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which went off when he held it to his ear.

Bizarre Love Stories

Peter the Great had his wife's lover executed and his head put into a jar of alcohol. She had to keep it in her bedroom.

After having a two year affair with Catherine the Great, Gregory Aleksandrovich Potemkin remained a valued advisor to Catherine. He even helped her pick out future lovers.

Cleopatra married two of her brothers and was the mistress of both Caesar and Mark Antony.

Fernade Olivier lived with Picasso for seven years. They wanted to marry but Olivier couldn't find her estranged hus- band to divorce him. In the 1940's she found out he had died right after she met Picasso - 40 years earlier.

Bizarre Records

In August 1999, Lori Lynn Lomeli set a record by spinning 82 Hula Hoops at the same time for three full revolutions.

Steve Fletcher holds the record for the largest gum wrapper collection. His collection has 5300 gum wrappers from all across the world.

The largest number of children born to one woman, who was a Russian peasant, is 69.

The longest kiss on record lasted 30 hours and 45 minutes. Dror Orpaz and Carmit Tsubara recorded it on April 5, 1999 at a kissing contest held in Tel Aviv, Israel.

The smallest man ever was Gul Mohammed (1957-1997) of India, who measured 1 feet, 10½ inches.

The tallest woman that ever lived was Zeng Jinlian who was 8 feet 2 inches tall of China. She died at the age of 17.

The world record for donut eating is held by John Haight, who ate 29 donuts (52 ounces) in a little over six minutes.

The world record for finishing the Rubik's cube is 16.5 sec- onds.

The world record for time without sleep is 264 hours (11 days) by Randy Gardner in 1965.

Bizarre Con Artists

In 1872, veteran prospectors Philip Arnold and John Slack bought $35,000 worth of diamonds in Europe and scattered them on land in Wyoming. They managed to convince the Bank of San Francisco they had discovered a diamond field and made $700,000.

Starting in 1921, Oscar Merril Hartzell began a scam selling fake shares in the estate of Sir Francis Drake. He contacted as many families as he could find with the surname Drake and was eventually accused of defrauding 270,000 people. The hoax netted him over $2,000,000.

When J. Bam Morrison arrived at Wetumka, Oklahoma in 1950, he claimed to be the advance publicity man for Bohn's United Circus, which, he maintained, was due to hit town in three weeks. He allegedly sold advertising space to local traders... for a circus that didn't exist.

By forging signatures, James Addison Reavis was able to claim he was the legal owner of 17,000 square miles of Arizona. The enterprise raked in $300,000 a year until he was arrested in 1895 and he was sentenced to six years in prison.

Joseph Weill, who inspired the movie "The Sting," rented abandoned banks and convinced businessmen that he had set up a genuine bank. He waited for them to deposit large sums of money before shutting down and moving on to the next town. This, plus some of his other scams, earned him over $6,000,000.